The Growing Conversation

Did we really finally have the conversation?

I feel relieved.  I've been unsure whether to bring it up, whether Bernie was ready to talk about it.  I've been thinking about it way to much and it's nice to have it out in the open.

I feel obedient.  I had thought through the thread of God's calling on my life recently (here) and I felt like I needed to share that with him, even though I wasn't sure I liked where it was headed.  I'm glad he was willing to hear it and that I was courageous in obedience.

I feel at peace.  I've been so unsure for so many months, wondering whether I want another baby and whether I could handle another pregnancy.  My mind couldn't stop mulling and I've been so conflicted.  Now I feel good about our decision and glad to stop thinking about it.

I feel sentimental.  Knowing that Lachlan is the last baby I plan to birth, all of a sudden I'm a little teary about the lasts.  No more excitement of a positive pregnancy test.  No more hearing the heartbeat, feeling kicks, choosing names, starting labour, meeting a newborn, breastfeeding, seeing big brothers meet little brothers, having visitors meet the baby, snuggling a newborn on my chest.  Sigh.

I feel surprised.  I never would have thought that Bernie would be open to the conversation of adopting.  We're both scared and not willing to be proactive about anything right now, but he's more open to the idea than ever before and that's already a big deal.

I feel nervous.  We're open to growing our family by taking in another child.  That's a big deal.  It's scary and intimidating and a not-a-clue-what-we're-in-for type of a big deal.  And if I think about it too much, I wonder what God was thinking putting this in my heart.

I feel excited.  God has been growing this in me for a long time.  And if God can make Bernie open to the possibility as well....  This could be really awesome for our family.  We're willing and pumped for what God will do.

Yup, we had the conversation!