Friday 21 September 2018


It was his third day of life, I think, when the midwife came over and he weighed in too low.  We were going to go furniture shopping for the new house that day.  It was my third baby, my third boy, my third one to wear the same outfits and be buckled into the same car-seat.  I knew what I was doing.  And she told me that that was exactly what was going to make this hard.  I remember the patterns and the rhythms, but they were new to my son.  I needed to listen to him, respond to him, look at him, sit with him, hold him, slow days down for him.  This third baby of mine was on his first time at life. 

I remember rolling my eyes a bit, only inwardly I hope.  But I sat in my bed and took in my baby.  I unzipped his sleeper and unbuttoned my shirt and tried to slow down to just be with this brand new life.  I read, napped, and snacked with him on my chest.  It didn’t come naturally but ‘fake it till you make it’ has always been my parenting strategy anyway.  And he cuddled and slept and fed and bounced back by the next week’s check-up. 

But I checked the box.  I congratulated myself on doing what he needed.  And I moved on. 

Fast forward a few years and my now four-year-old son became a big brother twice over in a week and a half.  Suddenly there was a baby and a toddler and the boy, still in the midst of figuring himself out in the context of his two big brothers, wakes up very much a middle child.  Not big enough to be one of the bigs.  Not little enough to be one of the littles.  Not loud enough that I noticed.  I didn’t take enough breaths to notice.  I didn’t listen to enough cries.  I didn’t have enough hands.  Or eyes.  Or laps.  Or arms.  Or sleep. 

Jesus, I hope it’s not too late.  I hope I haven’t failed him.  I hope he finds his voice, the one I have silenced too many times.  I hope he sees its power and influence in his little world.  I hope His Father redeems all that’s been done and all that’s been left undone.  Lord, could you slow days down for me so that I can slow days down for this boy that I love?