Saturday 28 December 2013

Do-you-ddling Around in My Heart

Do you like our family?
Do you like our life?
Do you love me?
Do you have fun more often than you are stressed?
Do you enjoy our kids?
Do you just focus on making it through these early years?
Do you think you'll enjoy it more later?
Do you think about leaving?
Do you love me?
Do you have time to love me?
Do you have energy to love me?
Do you know that I love you?
Do you hear me when I say I love you?
Do you want to be with us?
Do you have fun with us?
Do you like our family?
Do you know that I worry about these things?

Wednesday 25 December 2013

From Memory

I did it: http://jodifriesen.blogspot.ca/2013/12/bible-reading-where-it-is-at-right-now.html
I memorized it out loud (as opposed to written), and not with punctuation, but here goes:

Luke 2:1-20
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.  This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.  And everyone went to his own town to register.  So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth, in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he was of the house and line of David.  He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son.  She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone around them and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid.  I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a savior has been born to you: he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly hosts appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."  So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph and the baby, who was lying in the manger.

When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all you heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.  But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.  The shepherds returned glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Tuesday 24 December 2013

I Really Do Love You

I love you, my son.  I love you so much.  You are a quick learner and take pride in accomplishing new things.  You are a natural at sports and persevere at them.  You are handsome and enjoy surprising me with the outfits you choose.  You are progressing so much in your speech and taking direction in that area very well.  You love long showers and call yourself a "water-hog".  You are a great helper and are independent at unloading the kids' dishes and all the cutlery from the dishwasher as well as putting away your own clean laundry.  You are a collector, filling your pockets with treasure and storing it in your bed.  You are organized and like to keep like things together, but ensure your favourites in a separate place so as not to get mixed up.  You are sensitive and still can't handle a movie or TV show with an antagonist.  Your love language is touch and you crave cuddles when you are sad and back rubs when you are tired.  You are social an often will go get your clothes to come change wherever someone else is because you "need company".  You are aware of so much and are constantly asking questions to figure out what's going on or how something works.  You are lovey-dovey with your brothers, often catching Emerson in a head-lock-hug as he runs by or kissing Lachlan on the cheek as you play.  You are goofy and enjoy a good bout of silly dancing.  You are active, especially when it comes to wrestling and acrobatics.  You love stories, often choosing new or rarely-read books before bedtime.  You are a blessing to me every day.

I'm sorry, my son.  I am so sorry that we are struggling.  You read the frustration in my face far too quickly for my liking.  You hear my "rude voice" too many times a day.  You notice my sighs and my exhaustion.   And for that I am sorry.

Because I love you.

I really do love you.

I want you to notice that 47 times more often than you notice that I am frustrated with you.

I really do love you.

Lord, remind me of the perspective of this moment in the moments where it is lacking.

Thursday 19 December 2013

Making Things Right

Yesterday when we arrived home from the toy store, Niko excitedly pulled a small toy vehicle that we had not purchased out of his pocket.  His glee very quickly turned to shame and sadness as he read the shock on my face.  I explained to him that taking something from a store is stealing and is wrong.  And he got it immediately.  He felt so crushed and guilty that he ran straight to his room and cried under his blanket.  I comforted him and talked about how we could make it right.  He decided we needed to take the vehicle back and apologize to the store clerk.  But he was still so sad he barely ate lunch and just asked to go down for a nap.

This morning I reminded him that we were going to take the vehicle back to the store today and the guilt came flooding back.  He moped all morning until we finally made it there.  Vehicle in hand, he (and his stuffed animal, for courage) walked into the store and up to the counter.  In a small voice, he said "I'm sorry for stealing" and handed the clerk the toy.

He was transformed.  As we left the store, he was smiling and bouncing as he walked.  The immobilizing guilt of earlier had vanished, the slate was completely clean.

It amazed me how intense Niko's feelings were on either side of the experience.  When I explained stealing to him, I was certainly somber, but I didn't feel like I was majorly guilt-tripping him.  And yet he was severely convicted.  And when the item was returned, I didn't need to tell him that everything had been made right.  He was ecstatic because he knew it was right.  The concept of right and wrong, the weight of guilt and forgiveness, and the importance of making things right were written on his heart long before I or anyone else told him about them.

"since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them" - Romans 1: 19
"He has also set eternity in their heart" - Ecclesiastes 3:11

It's very cool that much of parenting is bringing things out in your kids and helping them recognize what is already there, as opposed to filling them with knowledge and lessons.

Wednesday 18 December 2013

A Tragic Sort of Community

Yesterday's post (http://jodifriesen.blogspot.ca/2013/12/for-everyone-community.html) made me think about another online community I've sort of poked around the edges of: the baby-loss community.  I've read a few blogs of parents who have lost children in miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or other tragedies.

I haven't lost a child, but I grieve with some friends who have.  When their babies died and I didn't have a clue what to do or say, I read some stories of others online and followed their anonymous grief journeys to have a clue about what my friends were going through.

Even as only a fringe visitor, I benefited from this baby-loss community.  I have become more sensitive to those who have lost a child and more comfortable with them talking about it.  I have become more aware of the prevalence and lasting effects of miscarriage and stillbirth.  I have prayed more for my friends Alison missing Grace, Jess missing Sky, Melani missing Annabelle, and Elsie missing Janice.

While I still don't really know what to say, I know that it is important to acknowledge the babies that are no longer with us, so their parents know that someone else remembers.  A life is a life, no matter how short - and even if only in utero.  A mother does not forget the baby she lost, no matter when she lost him or her.

Tuesday 17 December 2013

For Everyone a Community

If, in real life, you can't find someone who shares a particular experience, interest, or hobby with you there is a very high likelihood you will find them on the internet.  And most likely you won't find only one person, but there probably already exists a community of people centered around that particular experience, interest, or hobby.

As I have spent nearly four years as a stay-at-home parent, I have no shortage of parent friends to commiserate with, seek advice from, encourage, get together with, or bounce ideas off of.  But as I have spent nearly four years as a stay-at-home parent, I have come to value my afternoon computer time as a window into other communities.  Actually, not just a window but a doorway.  I can step in and engage with others who have something in common with me.

When I started seeking some community online, I initially tended toward parents (mommy blogs, babywearing forums, parenting tips and articles), but quickly discovered that I don't have a strong need for that as that is the entire rest of my daytime life.

Then I stumbled upon a community of name-lovers and name-nerds.  I'd been visiting a website, poking around at names, meanings, and popularities for a while, but suddenly discovered the message boards and I was hooked.  I've been actively involved now for a few years and love it.  I nerdily visit every day to see what names other members are thinking about, wondering about, asking opinions on, or trying to fashion into combos.  I've learned the lingo of name-nerds and been around long enough to recognize members and even remember some of their name preferences or bits about their life.  It's fun.  I find it very cool that while finding a community of people who love names in my city and getting them together to discuss names would be difficult and time-consuming, the internet makes it just a few clicks away.  It might seem a bit impersonal, but it is a community.  And I'm glad I have it.

Back in my "real life" I've also come to value my monthly drum circles.  I joined a drum circle about 3 years ago and, while I have very little in common with most of the other drummers, we share rhythm and hand drums as a common interest.  This one would more difficult to enjoy as an online community.

In any case, I don't take either of these things for granted.  They are small and most people in my life don't even know about them.  They represent only bits and pieces of my interests, but I would feel like something was missing if I didn't have them.  Those are bits and pieces of myself that make me me, outside of being a mom, and I'm thankful to be able to share them with people who understand.

Monday 16 December 2013

We are Five

I just can't shake the feeling that our family is not complete.  I do a head-count at the playground and glance over my shoulder for a fourth.  I am with all three of them in one room and want to call out to see what the other is up to.  The feeling that one is missing catches me off guard almost every day, like a deja vu or a dream that slips away just before I can recall what it was.  And then I remember that there are "only" three.  We are a family of five, not six.  We are five.  

I don't know if I can handle being pregnant again.  In fact, quite often I am sure that I cannot.  Many days I am overwhelmed enough that I'm not sure I want another child, despite the fact that I always pictured myself as a mother of four.  Bernie has very rational and reasonable arguments for not growing our family any further.  Sometimes I know he is right.  Sometimes I know he is wrong.  Sometimes I don't even know what I want.  Sometimes I don't know how I will ever know.

But I feel like someone is missing.  And I'm not a feelings kind of person.  So is it God?  Or does that just confuse it more?  If it comes down to it and I feel like someone is missing, yet I can't imagine another pregnancy, what could God have in store for us next?  Can we handle it?  Can we wait for it?  Will we all be on board?  

I wish I knew if we are five for now or five for good.

Sunday 15 December 2013

Unknown Battles

I can't imagine being through what Grandma has been through.  To have lost her only daughter at age 2.  To grieve and mourn and wonder and wrestle and pray and heal and hurt.  To adopt another girl.  To fill the gap where Janice should have been, yet know that Patti will never be Janice.  To learn to love again.  To learn to love differently.  To live with the shadow of grief, while parenting four living sons and a daughter that will always remind you of the one you lost.  To pour your life, love, energy, and soul into a daughter that chooses to step away from you, close herself off, and cease contact for years.

Tomorrow the funeral of Patti's husband brings mother and daughter together in the same space.  Yet not by choice.  And so a hug is out of the question.  So close and yet so far.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." - Wendy Mass
Be merciful, for He has been merciful.
Love others as He has loved me.
Taking Grandma's story into account is easy because I know it.  Remembering that everyone has such stories; stories that shape their choices, reactions, and personalities...that is harder to do.

Friday 13 December 2013

Misery loves Company

My neighbour and her sons came over today.  Her oldest son and my oldest son are having similar issues right now.  Tears, anger, hitting, rudeness, disrespect, and general melt-downs abound - and apparently not only in my house, but across the street as well.  And somehow it makes me feel better.

Regardless of my confidence in many of my parenting decisions, when Niko becomes (for a period of minutes, hours, or days) a terrible person to be around, I wonder if I am failing him.  I wonder whether I could be doing something different, if I should be doing something different, if other kids don't do these things, if other parents deal with things in more effective ways.  On the good days I am patient and calm.  On the bad days I eat a lot of chocolate.  But regardless of the day, when someone else's kid is displaying my kid's worst behaviours in my very own basement....somehow I feel better.  I feel reassured that maybe my son is more normal than I had assumed.  I feel the sense of camaraderie that unites us parents who all don't know.  I feel reminded that my efforts are eternally valuable, regardless of whether it looks like change is happening in the moment.

This is also why, when I pass the parent of a tantrumming toddler in the store/church/library/mall I smile knowingly on the inside and smile encouragingly on the outside.  I have been there before, I will be there again, and we're all in this together.

Pass another helping of that grace, please, and I will share it with my neighbour as well.

Thursday 12 December 2013

Chapter or Character

I had been assuming that my 3-nearly-4-year-old's fits and melt-downs were "just" a stage.  A phase that would pass like so much else at this age.  Assuming and hoping, I guess, that this was a chapter we'd look back on a contentedly sigh that we had made it through - ideally with as much poise as possible.

And maybe it is.  Maybe he's regressing as the baby hits milestones like sitting, rolling over, eating, interacting, and playing.  Maybe he's going through a developmental stage that has his emotions overwhelmed as he is able to do so much more, reason so much more, understand so much more, learn so much more, and be responsible for so much more.  Maybe he is jealous of the two-year-old who is a hilarious goofball that charms everybody with his silliness.

But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if he is "just" that sensitive.  I remember my little brother crying a lot - or what seemed like a lot to me, his elder by 3 years.  Some of it was at the brunt end of my own teasing, but in general I feel like he cried often.  Maybe my son is highly sensitive by nature, not merely because of his age.

And if it is his character, how do I show him that he is loved for exactly who he is, all the while also trying to teach him to toughen up a bit so the world doesn't tear him apart?  Father, rain down your grace on my parenting, that it may flow from me as rivers of patience with currents of gentleness and wisdom.


Wednesday 11 December 2013

Bible Reading: Where it's at right now

After seeing Beth Moore trailers in church for a few years and actively avoiding her studies, I found myself at a Mom's program sign-in table faced with the reality that I had planned to register for a 10 week session, sent my husband to work on the bus so I could have the car, fed and dressed 3 kids, and made it there for 9:15am only to discover that the plan was to do a Beth Moore Bible study.  Doh.

Since I was there anyway and I love the women in the group I took the plunge.  I signed up to come for all the sessions and do even do the homework.  Wow, did that ever turn out to be rewarding.  God opened up the scriptures to me through Beth's talks and daily readings.  And He have me a hunger for His word that I have missed in the sometimes overwhelming chaos of stay-at-home parenting.  It feels so so good to want to read and want to hear. I'm so thankful to have that desire awakened in me again.  And how amusing that it came from a source I was so skeptical about.

Since the study ended, I haven't been doing as intensive reading.  But I knew that I wouldn't.  My life right now just isn't conducive to that level of Bible reading on an ongoing basis.  But I find that memorizing scripture is great for where I'm at right now.  It's quick and repetitive - sometimes a little mindless even.  It can be done anywhere in the house and while I'm doing any kind of task.  So I started with three verses that had caught my attention during the Beth Moore study.  And now I am working on the Luke account of the Christmas story.

I really don't know what possessed me to write today.  I imagine no one will ever read this blog, nor do I know when/whether I will be in the mood to write again.   We shall see what happens.  Or, I suppose it would be more accurate to say that I shall see what happens.