Mourning

I mourn the anticipation.  Sharing the exciting news with Bernie and being silent in awe at what has begun.  Keeping it our secret for a few weeks and just enjoying that we know something so life-changing.  Telling all our friends and family and watching the excitement grow.  Noticing clothing get tighter and digging out the stash of maternity clothes.  Having random strangers ask about the baby.  Seeing a face appear on an ultrasound.  Sharing fears, hopes, and questions with my midwife.  Preparing the kids for a little sibling.  Feeling kicks, punches, rolls, and hiccups.  Resting my hand on my belly and wondering what the future holds.  Scouring the internet for the perfect name.  Dreaming of who you might be.  Wrapping my head around labour and birth.  Knowing everyone in our lives can't wait to meet you.  I will miss never anticipating another baby.  As much as I don't want to be pregnant again, I feel a twinge of jealousy every time someone else announces that they are.  It's complicated.