Sunday 7 July 2019

I am not okay.  My breaths feel shallow and my chest feels tight.  My legs feel heavy and my brain feels sluggish.  Our son gets in a car with a stranger and drives off to spend the day with his dad.  And I hear nothing and I wonder.  I catch myself listening for his babbling and crawling only to remember that he is not home.  And then my heart trips over the word 'home' yet again and I wonder where these next months will take him, will take us.  This road of letting go, of letting grief wash over me, as hope builds for the rejoining of the family that should be.... this is the road I know I need to walk for our son.  This is the road of healing and there will be much joy.  This is a slow, painful, necessary road, but I am not okay. 

Friday 29 March 2019

A Recipe

When your decide to be permanently hospitable in your most precious circle: your family...

A Recipe for Redefining Family

1 dose of pride and self-righteousness (this is for throwing out the window right off the hop)
2 spouses on the same page (because it's a bumpy page any other way is a terrible idea)
3 stages of paperwork, classes, and invasions of privacy (also known as a home study)
4 a moment you wonder if you are crazy and then suddenly you have a son/daughter
5 days and nights of sleeplessness, drowning, praying, and general overwhelmedness (actual amount of days may vary)
6 months of deliberate, conscious actions, touches, words, prayers, and effort to start to connect heats with a stranger who is looking to you to fill every need but would rather not even look at you)
7 twists and turns and heart-plummets as you fall in love with your child and the broken, hurting people who are the other parents of your baby (again, the amount is approximate and can often exceed all expectations)
8 everything that is chocolate; and then ate everything that is salty
9 million ways your heart is breaking but that one little smiling face is worth every one of them (even when tantruming, go figure)
pre10d you're a normal family it's all no big deal because it's way too much to process and talk about on a daily basis - besides, the case worker is calling
11, one more than a nice round 10, because once you've let yourself go to this place of redefining family (and thinking you were in control of the definition), it seems God likes to take it a step further, or a van size bigger.  Do they make bunkbed cribs?  Just kidding.  Mostly.