Safe in the Knowing

It was dark and the sound of the water under the bridge was so relaxing.  The ice cream and the moon invited us both deeper, it seemed.  We bantered back and forth, expressing some frustrations and possible solutions.  The commentary very telling about where we were at and the different places we were coming from.  Yet an understanding of gentleness and friendship made it feel very safe.

Fist-clenching opinions gave way to heart-wrenching feelings as you shared about the last time you saw your dad.  It was so real and so raw.  I knew in that instant, that you were letting me in deeper.  Into a place not every friend got to visit or speak into.

I tiptoed close to the edge of openness, wanting to share my real thing too.  A deep breath, a tiny step and I would have soared over the precipice, allowing you to know my heart a little more.  But I hesitated.  There is risk in being known.  I second-guessed and before I knew it the moment was gone.

But with Him, my second-guessing is irrelevant.  I don't have to feel that heart-fluttery wondering or take a deep breath, deciding whether to share that thing that feels too close.  Because He knows.  He knows before I realized it myself.  He knows and it didn't shock Him.  He knows and it didn't make Him question me or doubt me or judge me or mock me.  It didn't even make Him love me any less.  And in the moment of closeness with Him, when I could bare all or not, I don't even have to make the call.  Because He knows and I am safe in the knowing.

All the Ways

The way you deliberately ask your little cousin to repeat what he said so you can try to decipher what his words mean.  The way you gingerly hold a new baby and notice how perfect he is.  The way you graciously let Emerson play Trouble with you, but by his own rules.  The way you are so much more likely to melt-down in tears of utter disappointment than of angry rage.  The way you gently redirect Lachlan, using your baby-voice and calling him Lachley.  The way you excitedly look forward to "our small group" coming over and are a little offended that they are not only coming to play with you.  They way you are endearingly disappointed in yourself when you have a rough day of listening.  The way you uncontainably leap into a bear-hug after doing something you are exceptionally proud of.  The way you confidently teach Emerson how to stand in net so that he can make a few saves.  The way you are courageously overcoming your fears as you venture out on your own and even reach out to make new friends.

The way God is glorified in you is spectacular in these moments.  The way God sees the wonderful you he created is evident in these portraits.  The way I love, guide, teach, discipline, struggle, wonder, and pray is worth it for these rewards.

Barefoot and Pajama-Clad

The way your cries woke me in the middle of the night, yet I came up empty in my search for you.  The way my heart longs to comfort you, but I find my self barefoot and pajama-clad in the hallway, wondering why I am out of bed.  The way I hesitate to share this haunting, only taking a deep breath to say words when I know my friend can listen compassionately at that moment.

This is close to my heart.  You are close to my heart.

Glory of Leaves

The left-over summer green leaves the glowing golden-orange leaves the electric yellow leaves the fire-y red leaves the darkened purple leaves the daily changing leaves the crisp crunchy leaves the wind-blown rustling leaves the bright blue backdrop to the leaves the sun shining through the leaves the soon-to-be-jumped-in leaves proclaim the glory of the Lord
The God of all nature
Creator of Beauty
Master Craftsman
Who made everything glorious

Joy in ME

The giddy kind of joy.  The one you cannot contain.  It giggles and grins and jumps up and down.  You can see it coming as it does a little jig and gives spontaneous bear hugs along the way.  It doesn't care what it looks like as it shrieks excitedly and bursts into song.  It is all-consuming and contagious.  I see it in my kids on a daily basis - with the pride of accomplishment or the delight in a seemingly small treasure.  To picture that joy on God?  To picture that delight because of me?  Not because of what I have done today, not because of my successes, not because I have it all together.  Just because I am me.  He takes great delight in me.  In who I am.  He rejoices over me with singing.  On that day when I sit on the couch and hide my tummy from even myself,  when I regret yelling at my child, when I know I could have accomplished so much more, when I hate that I ate too much, when I feel lazy and ugly and unlovable.  No matter what I have done or not done, He delights and rejoices in me like a giddy 4-year-old.

Join In

The Creator I love and adore, the One I am training the eyes of my soul to look to every chance that I get, the one that I praise for His glory and grace, He is the One who made you, my son.  He formed your adorable dimples and stunning eyes.  He knit together the muscles that have such talent in sports.  He connected the wires of your brain that can learn math and maps in an instant.  And he placed within you passions and gifts to love and serve others in your own unique way.  I don't want to be so busy looking for the thing I value, that I'm missing what God put in you.  There is nothing wrong with you learning to see the world and those in it in many ways.  But I don't want to push my ways on you in a way that they eclipse yours.  I want to join in with what God is already doing in you.

Father, direct my exploration to where you have gifted Niko so that I can help him understand and develop those gifts.  Guide my curiosity as I live with eyes wide open to see where his passions align with his gifts, so I can better nudge his soul and character into who you are growing him to be.

No Reason Not To and Every Reason To

I'm not sure why people get excited about open letters to someone else's children detailing what they all need to know and hope they understand about sexuality.  I don't get how 'liking' a letter such as that has any affect on your child's understanding and idea of a healthy sexual perspective and relationship.  You feeling like a letter says it all doesn't do anything for your kid.  Even you writing a letter to your kid doesn't do much for your kid.  It's got to be part of life and learning and conversation regularly and over time.  Like everything else we teach them is.

If I wouldn't wait for one awkward sit-down conversation to teach my kids about other important things, why this one?  If I wouldn't dread and avoid teaching my kids other stuff, why this?  If I wouldn't shy away from their questions that lead to anything else, why sex?

I'm willing to share knowledge and information and truth - in kid-sized words and portions, of course,- about everything else, so I need to do it here too.  And in fact, many times, as parents, we volunteer this information when the kids are not even asking for it (hygiene, manners, discipline, faith, etc).

There is nothing wrong with sex.  There is much significance and responsibility surrounding sex.  So no real reason not to talk about it.  And every reason to talk about it.

I will tell my kids simple true things about sex very early and all the time because:
- I don't want it to be a vague thing they piece together from other kids, adults, media, and innuendo.
- I don't want them to first hear about it somewhere other than home.
- I want to have the biggest say in how they are hearing and processing the information.
- They are surrounded by people having babies and naturally ask questions.  It seems unfair and completely pointless to deny them the answer.
- I want it to be a natural conversation like any other topic they ask or wonder about, as opposed to this thing I talked about one time while reading a carefully chosen book.
- They learn and process best by hearing things slowly and naturally over and over, as opposed to one or two critical conversations.
- It's important for them to know their body and what it is for.
- I want to be able to talk to them about it during the years when it will really matter.
- God made sex and it is good.

I don't know how to achieve all those ideals without making sex a part of honest and commonplace conversations in our normal life.  So even in the moments when it feels a bit awkward to me to talk about it, I'm taking a deep breath and faking that I'm okay with it all.  Because I want to be talking about it openly.  Because it's important to be talking about it openly.  So that they will be talking about it openly.

Love that Surpasses Knowledge

To know this love that surpasses knowledge is overwhelmingly beautiful.  The God who has the capacity to love so extravagantly that he sacrificed his own son for humanity chooses also to love just me.  In my smallness and ordinariness, He loves me fiercely and inexplicably.

The way Emerson cannot possibly fathom how my heart skips a beat when I turn my head and can't see him and races with every passing minute that I search for him.  So His love surpasses my knowledge.  But more.

The way Niko cannot fully grasp how my hear swells with pride and glows with honour when I overhear him tangibly live out any one kind, loving, generous, gentle ideals I have been teaching and modelling for years.  So His love surpasses my knowledge.  And even more.

The way Lachlan cannot picture the depth of emotion my heart experiences when a moment of delight becomes a shared look of admiration, which turns into a smile, which gives way to a clumsy hug and sloppy kiss.  So His love surpasses my knowledge.  Yet more and more.

Extreme
Excessive
Lavish
Extravagant
Unfathomably huge
Inexplicably colossal
Deep and wide

Words cannot describe what my mind cannot know.

Yet this love is the love I know.
To know this love is a privilege and honour.
To know this love means everything and changes everything.
To know this love is intimate.
To know this love is experiential.
To know this love that surpasses knowledge
surpasses knowing anything
or anyone or anywhere else
This Love Surpasses

Learning Beauty

Rhythmic falling of runners on pavement
rain falling stunningly fragrant
Despite the desired perfection of the connection
between my reflection and my soul direction
lies call out, unrelenting in their misrepresenting

Go for a run, they holler smugly
or you'll gain a tonne, Big and Ugly.
The standard's way above you;
reach it now or he won't love you.
It's a pity you're not itty-bitty
or you'd have a chance at being pretty
My hunch is your lack of crunches will only add uns to your uns.
Undesirable
Unadmirable
Unlovable in my head
Untouchable in my bed
Unenduring in youth
Unalluring in truth
You need to earn beauty, say the mean voices
But I know there must be umpteen choices

It starts out gentle, this mental battle
cloaked in truths, it is still a judgmental sentiment
and detrimental to my fundamental elements

By now my ritual is habitual
and my rebuttal anything but subtle.
He says I am altogether perfect in form
I know He speaks truth and that you're misinformed
He says I am beautiful and He made me so
I try to be dutiful and let these words grow
Day in and day out I choose them to be true
since I'm only me and You, well, You're You

You need to earn beauty, say the loud voices
turns out you need to learn beauty
and my soul rejoices

Hosea 2:14

Regardless of what came before.  Or, better yet, because of what has come before.  Because I am far away, which is only ever of my own doing.  Despite my apathy, stubbornness, laziness, disobedience, self-centredness, or whatever else is in the way.  You promise to win me back again.

I cannot even wrap my head around the way You work, Jesus.  Your love for me seems to know no bounds.  I am so small and insignificant without you.  And in my biggest moment of weakness and sin, You reached out and offered me this indescribably valuable gift of salvation.  Eternal life with You in heaven one day.  Powerful life with You here on earth right now.  Only because you love me.  Only because you want to.  As if you haven't done enough, Your love only grows.  You pursue me. You pursue me when I go astray.  When I get lost or scared or absorbed in my own selfish life, there You are being the One to initiate, to try, to call, seek.  You promise to win me back again.

Like the most perfect of lovers, You follow and watch with only love in Your eyes.  You wait for the moment I just might be receptive and then You put Yourself out there again.  You make Yourself vulnerable to me.  For me.  You remind me of what we had.  Of when we were happy.  Of what my life was like with You.  You reach out, tentatively, to touch my hand.  Testing the waters.  When I wince, You whisper with even more love and gentleness, turning my heart back into mush and I find myself falling for You all over again.  You stroke my arm and I know You are the One that I am made for.  You step toward me and I lean into your embrace.  You speak tenderly to me and win me back once again.