Reveal (Luke 2:35)

So much is hidden.  One piece because I am embarrassed to admit to it and what it says about me.  Another because I am scared of its power in my life - both for good and for evil.  A third because it hasn't been dwelt on lately and I've just plain forgotten about it.  And yet another because it and its potential have not even been discovered yet.

Whatever the reasons, so much of my heart is hidden from you.  You, the stranger I've just met, the casual acquaintance, the family I've known my whole life, the close friend, and even you, my husband.

God who reveals hearts, be gentle with me.  Reveal to me the smallest bits of the ugly hindrances inside of myself, in a way that I can grieve, repent, and overcome them by Your power.  Reveal to me the smallest bit of the beautiful potential inside of myself, in a way that I can embrace, imagine, and engage with it by Your power.

And I know I'm not the only one.  Each person I meet and know and love has so much hidden as well.  So, as it is helpful to those I love and to me as I love them, reveal their hearts to me as well.  Bit by bit, so that I can empathize and love them for all they are.  So that I can empower them to live up to their potential in You.

Ice Crystals

Ice crystals cover the windshield, cracks patterning their way across like an intricate burst of glory.  Sunlight simultaneously glares with blinding force and lights up this frozen artwork with its majesty.  The temperature dips ridiculously low and I am forced to let the vehicle run to warm up, pull out my warmest mittens, and shiver inside my jacket.  Defeatedly, I adopt the raised shoulders and clenched elbows posture of the season and fill my mind with dread that this signifies the beginning of the longterm deepfreeze.  Without these things, the intricate glory could never be.

May each circumstance of my week be an invitation to conversation with You.  May the coldest moments of each day be my cue to run to Your warmth.

Vague

All evening the incomplete thoughts were just below the surface.  Each the beginning of a question that never fully formed.  Each more of a vague nagging than a concrete feeling.  If the questions would have been finished, there would not have been any answers.  If the feelings would have been labelled, there would have been only the same wondering hope as their source.

I don't know who you are, how you will come into our lives, or when to expect you.  I don't logically even know that you are real.  But my heart sure says you are and I miss you.

Juxtaposition

You pull me in and the words in my ear make me fall for You all over again.  Your voice booms as it whispers and I hear You utter entwined messages as only the Divine can.

Deep and inexplicably selfless love rejoices over me in glorious melodies that flow from Your lips as you convince me of my worth in Your eyes.  This is the message I have known since childhood, but its words now take root in my heart and take shape in my life in ways altogether new and mesmerizing.  

Alongside the majestic singing are the murmurs that speak to my freshest wounds.  As You reveal Your love and Your self to me, my failings of word and thought and deed become painful for me to look at.  The closer I get to You, the more I see just how broken I am, how sinful and unworthy.  So You softly breathe the assurance that You forgive.  You see, You know, and You cover with Your Son.  

You belt out Your greater-than-I-can-grasp love for me

while you whisper Your greater-than-I-can-imagine grace for me

Here I walk in this juxtaposition, both worthy and unworthy

and I will repeat it to myself until I know and rely 

with every fiber of my being

and every step of my day

greater

greater

greater

How He Came

For All (Luke 2:10)

For the hurtful one who deserted me, letting our friendship slide like it didn't mean to him what it did to me.
For the draining one who is needy and self-centered and takes so much more than he gives.
For the uncomfortable one who is socially awkward and unaware and leaves me shaking my head.
For the defensive one is over-sensitive and difficult to talk to and makes me wonder where I went wrong.

For the unattainable one whose house is spotless and seasonly decorated and magazine-perfect.
For the intimidating one whose children are well-dressed and well-behaved and well-rounded.
For the gifted one who succeeds at whatever he does and excels wherever he tries.
For the gentle one who can navigate conversations and relationships with ease and grace.
For the self-controlled one who doesn't yell or lose her temper and whose demeanor exudes patience.

For all the people that raise my blood pressure and lower my hopes for mankind.  For all the people who inspire and intimidate me with their got-it-together-ness.  The good news that is cause for great joy is for all the people.  The saving grace of Jesus is for all people.  The intimacy I crave and enjoy with God is for all the people.  The love, joy, peace, strength, and wisdom I rely on daily is for all the people.

None of us is more worthy than the others.  None of us is less worthy than the others.

Left with Love and Grace

You kick your brother, forcefully and unprovoked.

I love you.

You taunt your brother and chase him around laughing at him.

I love you.

You whine and complain about your breakfast.

I love you.

You throw tantrum about getting dressed.

I love you.

Having abandoned time-outs, consequences, yelling, and threats for the day, I'm left with love and grace.  Which sounds so much less difficult and messy than it really is.

While you whine and complain, while you throw yourself on the floor, in between kicks and yells I whisper.  I love you.  I love you.  Can I lay with you here on the floor?  I love you.  Can I hug you?  Can I rub your back?  I love you.

Know that there is nothing you can do to get outside of my love for you.  Believe that there is no transgression that renders you unworthy.  See that my love for you extends beyond your ability to comprehend.  Feel that my love for you flows over every bit of you - even the bits I am working hard to shape.

I love you, my son.

Full (John 1:14)

Skimming the pages of my Bible that live in my memory, words like Full, Abundant, Overflowing, Surpassing, and Greater catch my eye as they fly past.  They always have.

A lifetime ago, they compelled a spontaneous and instant response, my hands rocketing outwards to grab on to them and with me dragging along behind.  I'd see my grip tighten and my knuckles whiten as I clung to their promise that this emptiness could be filled.  The twin monsters of loneliness and unworthiness danced around mockingly, trying to swallow my heart whole with their lies.  But hope clawed its way out of their jaws never letting go of its life-grip on those soaring, majestic assurances that one day.

Today my response is less urgent.  Its subtleness startles me as I reread those same words and recognize that the longing has changed.  I am not empty; I don't 'need' to be filled.  My life is full of good things, precious people, valued gifts.  My soul is filled with passions, dreams, and hopes.  My days are filled with the glorious mundane that is sweeping up Cheerios into dustpans and children into my arms.  My heart is full and overflowing.

He is full of grace and truth.  Though the realization arrived more subtly, I slowly reach out and take hold of the words as they meander past.  I don't have to grasp them so tightly this time.  They comfortably melt into my warm palm.  These are mine.  I've known them for years.  Their extravagance defines what I know of Him.  Their hope and abundance describes what I desire for me.  The tide is turning as I gently, repeatedly, cozily draw near to Him.  He is here and one day I will be *full* of Him.

Other

So many stories and experiences reinforce the 'otherness' of You.  You create all things from nothing and I see You outside of time and space.  You send floods and rainbows and messages and I see Your power and control.  You are in the clouds and the fire, crossing the all but God-forsaken desert.  At your command, the waters become stormy or calm or parted down the middle.  You are clothed in majesty, surrounded by an emerald sea, the only thought on the minds of all the creatures who bow before You.

Everything about You is so resplendent and awe-inspiring.  You are more powerful than my mind can fathom, greater than I will ever know.  Despite its 'otherness,' I do not doubt Your glorious greatness for a moment.

It's that glory, Your glory full of grace and truth, wrapped up in swaddling clothes, that mystifies me.  You became weak, temptable, powerless, needy, dirty, broken, human, messy, bruised, hungry, limited, mistreated, common, vulnerable flesh.  You made Your dwelling here among us.  With me.  In the world I know.  As a person I can know.

Fully God.  Fully with me.  Emmanuel.

That Your Greater would choose to become mine?  That is the truth I must claim hourly.  Your greater grace extends to every dark corner I offer up.  Your greater love for me both humbles and excites me.  You take great delight in me.  You are greater than all other gods.  And you will do greater things than these.  How can my response be anything but this: Thank You, Jesus.  You must become greater, I must become less.

Overshadow

By Your power, Most High, overshadow me.
Overshadow my anger with Your greater grace, my weakness with Your perfect strength, my quick reactions with Your long-suffering patience, my lies with Your praiseworthy truth, my laziness with Your overflowing life, my tears with your all-encompassing joy, my fear with Your otherworldly peace, my selfishness with Your humble sacrifice.
You must become greater, I must become less.
Overshadow me.

Wife

Things are happening.  There's bubbling beneath the surface.  A smile plays at the corners of my lips, even as I think about how He is moving.  What was choice is now desire.  What was practice is now life.  I love Him.  And He loves me.  And He is changing me.  Because love does.

But.  Oh how I wish there was no but.

But as I step off to the side and watch myself for a moment, I see a glaring hole between the caring phone calls, deliberate check-ins, prayerful emails, grace-filled conversations, compassionate listening, encouraging cards, generous offers, and hospitable invitations.  Those all look so righteous and holy and wonderful, but in the very center of them all is a cavernous gap called wife.  In that role, I am so weak.  He does not get the careful, caring, passionate love that I pride myself on doling out to everyone else around me.

And I feel ugly for selfish and hypocritical for it.

Lord, only You can fill me with that which I cannot manufacture.  I don't want to try harder.  Please, grow me love for him so that it cannot help but show in words, actions, touches, affirmations, tones, and attention.  You are the King of Greater.  Fill me with greater love and greater joy for my role in this house.

Don't look, Lord, this is too gross and messy and embarrassing.
I don't want You to know that's what I'm like.

But I extend grace.

But not for this, Jesus.  Not this time.  It's too much.  It's too awful.

But that is what grace is for.

But I'm not even asking for it.  I don't want to put words
to what I've done, to who I am.

But my grace surpasses.

But it's going to happen again, the same mistakes over and over.

I am so sorry.

But I give greater grace.

Greater?

Greater than you could earn.

Greater than you could repay.

Greater than you deserve.

Greater than your struggles.

Greater than your pain.

Greater than you could comprehend.

Surpassing, increasing, abounding, overflowing.

But I give greater grace.

My deep, dark corners where I keep the things that no one should see are not too deep and not too dark for you.  

Pondering 'greater'

The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
from 1 John 4:4
The Lord is greater than all other gods
from Exodus 18:11
for there is a greater power with us than with him
2 Chronicles 32:7
for God is greater than any mortal
from Job 33:12
I know that the Lord is great, that our Lord is greater than all gods.
Psalm 135:5
You will see greater things than that.
from John 1:50
He must become greater, I must become less.
John 3:30
My father...is greater than all
from John 10:29
they will do even greater things than these
from John 14:12
Greater love has one man than this; that he lay down his life for his friend's.
John 15:13
We know that God is greater than our hearts
from 1 John 3:20
But He gives greater grace
from James 4:6

Some more Luke 1:34

It's always back to the same 'how?" for me.  All the other 'how?'s we can handle, but this one...this one is as insurmountable as ever.  Nothing I can do or say will change it.  In fact saying something will make overcoming this obstacle less likely or even devastating.  Because this 'how?' is first of all, integral to the next step.  This 'how?' is humanly impossible and illogical.  And thereby essential and divine.  This 'how?' is what makes this thing God's and God's alone.

Luke 1:34

In the waiting, there are so many questions.  I can list off the reasons why I know this is my calling.  But the list of how's is even longer.  How will Bernie and I ever be of one mind?  How do I wait?  How long will I have to wait?  How will I know when it is time?  How will it start?  How should I approach it?  How can I prepare?  How will we afford it?  How do I stay passionate for the long haul?  How do I overcome the doubts?  How do I cling to a vision that is not concrete?

Mary's words echo through my mind as I wait and wonder, "But how will this be?"

God of all passions, gifts, and dreams
God of my specific calling
Misunderstood God
God of Mystery
I don't want to question or doubt or undermine You
Lord I believe, help me overcome my unbelief

Not Doing Anything

I know you said you're 'not doing anything', but when I look at you that is not what I see.  Maybe you didn't imagine yourself here, but I see you stepping up to the challenge.  Maybe days feel repetitive and boring, but I see you choosing to smile and engage with your son.  Maybe you feel impatient, but I see you gently redirecting his energy.  Maybe you feel lonely, but I see you taking courageous steps to connect.  Maybe you are scared, but I see your overflowing gratitude that he is healthy.  Maybe you cry at times, but I hear the joy in your voice as you describe his accomplishments.  Maybe you are uncertain of the future, but I see that you are sure of your love for him.

Your son is blessed to have a mama who is deliberately growing as she raises him.  You may not feel like you are doing anything, but you are being his everything and that is exactly what he needs.

Emmanuel

Will You speak to me?  Will you poke holes in the veil that divides my little human bits from your vast divine expanse?  I can sense that You are just right there.  But I want more of You.  Let me see what You see, if only for a moment, and I will cling to those truths.  Let me hear Your words, and I will carry them around with me.  Enter my day, Jesus.  Be my tangible Emmanuel.

Deepest Longing

It's happening.  My deepest longing is becoming Him.  These months of practicing adoration have initiated a shift.  No longer am I deciding to proclaim verses over and over, knowing in my head that they are true.  Subtly, their truth is taking root and sprout the beginning of something beautiful and personal and meaningful.  Relationship.  Desire.  Moments of peace sneak in and I want to be with Him.  Moments of chaos pummel me and I glance up and cling to Him.  Moments of wonder or joy or fear or pain are all breeding the reflex of gripping His hand tighter.

It feels like I'm just emerging into this new life.  Just being born of God.  Which, might be a bit ridiculous, or might be a entirely incredible.  But I will take it for all it's worth, knowing that it is a gift.

Stay

I just want to stay right here
Clinging to this thing I feel
Your love shines on my heav'n-turned face
My heart warms basking in Your grace
I'm all aglow and I have nowhere to go
I just want to stay right here
Clinging to this thing I -- CRASH