The Word 'Fat'

Today, Niko described a classmate as 'fat'.  It was the most innocent use of the word I've ever seen.  He said he learned a kid's name at school.  I asked what she looked like.  He said she always wears a blue or a pink sweater and she's fat.  Just a matter-of-fact descriptor.

I know who he is talking about and she is in fact a bigger girl.  Not obese and not unhealthy looking, but definitely the roundest body in the class.

I had to tell Niko that 'fat' is not really a kind word.  That people don't like to be called 'fat'.  And he felt so bad.  I made sure to explain that he didn't do anything wrong and that it was okay because he didn't know.  But that there were other things he could say next time to describe someone besides their size/weight.

The thing that made my heart sad is that Niko asked why.

Why is 'fat' not a kind word?  Because skinny is desirable.  Because nobody wants to be seen as fat.  Because our culture has determined that one particular body size and shape is so far superior to any other.  None of that has ever crossed Niko's mind before.  Nor has the fact that someone might dislike their body or a part of their body.  Maybe it's because he's a boy or maybe it's because he's only 4 years old, but the idea of looking in the mirror and sighing is miles away for him.

I didn't tell him any of this, of course, but I feel like I've just perpetuated a majorly flawed societal belief system.  Even if he didn't get it, I've planted the seeds and I'm sad.  What else could I have done?

Family Business

The truth is, joy bubbles up in moments you don't see coming.  It overflows in giggles at the kitchen table, cascading to the floor along with Cheerios.  In hug-attacks that end in a heap on the floor with slobber-kissed cheeks.  In emphatically shared rambling stories filled with indecipherable words. In glances exchanged across carseats, secrets transmitted in silent brother-understanding and followed by snorts and guffaws.

The truth is, hectic is always only one half-step to the left.  All can be clipping along as carefree as can be and then.  Then someone bolts in the mall.  Then someone absolutely without a doubt most certainly must have a bottle this instant.  Then someone's sock feels funny and he crumples to the ground with inconsolable shrieks.  Then something explodes.  Then someone explodes.  Or multiple thens happen at once and hectic becomes overwhelming - which is only a quarter-step farther than hectic.  

The truth is, family is a delicate balance of highs and lows and living them together.  Ofttimes the highs are gloriously high and the lows cavernously low.  And the strong emotions that accompany them are not always worn well or expressed graciously by anyone, let alone the preschooler/toddler/baby crowd.  

The truth is, sometimes being at home all day with three littles gets monotonous.  Sometimes heading out feels like so much work.  Sometimes there are too many load of laundry, too many dishes, too many time-outs, too many hours until naps, and too many 'why?' questions.  

But there's more to it than you can see from the outside.

The truth is, we are cultivating an atmosphere where three vastly differing children all feel loved and safe.  Where their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are met.  Where they are growing into people who have a greater understanding of how to deal with their emotions, how to be a friend, how to respect authority, how to be responsible and independent.  Where they are exposed to new activities, ideas, and opportunities so they can figure out who they are.  Where they can ask and explore big questions with people they trust.

Making Me Me

Thank you God for how you have made me.  There have been plenty of times in my life that I have despised a part of me.  I have hated my body, my thoughts, my words, my actions, my personality at different times for different reasons.  I have struggled to come to terms with parts of me that aren't perfect by my culture's standards.  Some of those are human sinful self-destructive struggles that I know I will fall into again.  Some of them have been God-given burdens to rid myself of certain sins and flaws and to grow in the fruits of the Spirit.  But I just feel thankful right now, thankful for the traits You have given me.  Sometimes it takes seeing someone who does not have those traits, to make me appreciate how I was created.

So thank you God that I have a great deal of confidence.  Thank you that I can confidently make the decisions I need to make for myself, my marriage, and my family without being emotionally affected by what someone else thinks.

Thank you God that you have blessed me with the ability to be rational.  I am able to objectively look at a situation and form an impression, opinion, or decision based on facts I know to be true.  Rarely do the emotions of desire, anger, or fear cloud my ability to think clearly.

Lately, I have been struggling with the part of me that reacts quickly.  Sometimes my words are not as calculated as I would like them to be.  Sometimes they are not as gentle.  Most people in my life can handle this, but for the one who cannot, this part of who I am puts me forever on edge.  As I navigate these difficult waters, remind me not to get bogged down only in the parts of me that I struggle with.  Remind me, Lord, of how you have made me and that I can celebrate the work you are doing in me.

For you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me me.

Anxiety

Niko's anxieties are a big deal for him.  When he is worried about something, it really eats at him.  This doctor's appointment about his speech issues today, while I did my best to make it seem like no big deal because it is no big deal, has been driving Niko crazy.

Interestingly, as much as he stresses about things that make him nervous, Niko knows how he needs to deal with it.  And even if it starts to make me feel a bit insane, we talk through it and through it and through it.  He needs to hear what is coming, how things will happen, what the expectations will be, who will be there, and that he is brave and can do it.  Over and over and over again.

Especially that he is brave and can do it.  Remember that time you were nervous about going to preschool and you went and you got used to it and it got easier and now you love it?  So something you were nervous about turned out to be awesome.  And remember that time you were nervous about playing mini-soccer and you went and you got used to it and it got easier and then you loved it?  So something you were nervous about turned out to be awesome.

And you're so brave that you could ride a two-wheeler when you were only three.  And you can toboggan down big hills.  And jump off the bunk bed.  And go down waterslides.  And jump into the pool.

You're the bravest ever.

To which he earnestly agrees.  For 5 minutes.

And then he asks to talk about going to the doctor again.

The loop-de-loop of anxiety.

A Hurdle

We have an appointment with the doctor for Niko this week, to see if we can get a referral for speech therapy.  After two years of assuming that his sounds would improve and his words would sort themselves out, it doesn't look like it's happening on its own.  And I'm nervous to tell him why we're going to the doctor.  I don't want him to think he's behind other kids.  I don't want him to think he's doing anything wrong.  On the contrary actually, he tries so hard to form the sounds we show him, but it just doesn't come out right.  It's not a problem at home.  The odd time I don't understand a word, he is very good at describing what he means with other words.  But the more I see him talk to other kids and other adults, the more I see blank looks and the more I end up interpreting.  He's so shy already, I don't want these language difficulties to stand in the way of speaking.  But he's such a perfectionist that I don't want the reality of being imperfect to stop him from trying.  I hope he's ready to deal with this emotionally.  Maybe it'll roll right off and won't even phase him.  I hope so.  I'm totally okay with it all, so hopefully that sense of calm will be enough that he knows this is really not a big deal.  It's just a bit sad to have to watch my baby boy come up against a hurdle that he can't just make it over on his own, or even with my help.

The Growing Conversation

Did we really finally have the conversation?

I feel relieved.  I've been unsure whether to bring it up, whether Bernie was ready to talk about it.  I've been thinking about it way to much and it's nice to have it out in the open.

I feel obedient.  I had thought through the thread of God's calling on my life recently (here) and I felt like I needed to share that with him, even though I wasn't sure I liked where it was headed.  I'm glad he was willing to hear it and that I was courageous in obedience.

I feel at peace.  I've been so unsure for so many months, wondering whether I want another baby and whether I could handle another pregnancy.  My mind couldn't stop mulling and I've been so conflicted.  Now I feel good about our decision and glad to stop thinking about it.

I feel sentimental.  Knowing that Lachlan is the last baby I plan to birth, all of a sudden I'm a little teary about the lasts.  No more excitement of a positive pregnancy test.  No more hearing the heartbeat, feeling kicks, choosing names, starting labour, meeting a newborn, breastfeeding, seeing big brothers meet little brothers, having visitors meet the baby, snuggling a newborn on my chest.  Sigh.

I feel surprised.  I never would have thought that Bernie would be open to the conversation of adopting.  We're both scared and not willing to be proactive about anything right now, but he's more open to the idea than ever before and that's already a big deal.

I feel nervous.  We're open to growing our family by taking in another child.  That's a big deal.  It's scary and intimidating and a not-a-clue-what-we're-in-for type of a big deal.  And if I think about it too much, I wonder what God was thinking putting this in my heart.

I feel excited.  God has been growing this in me for a long time.  And if God can make Bernie open to the possibility as well....  This could be really awesome for our family.  We're willing and pumped for what God will do.

Yup, we had the conversation!

Weekend Getaway

I had no idea how much we needed that.  When we pulled up to the chalet Friday afternoon, everything lifted.  I didn't know how tired I was of kids talking.  I didn't know how bored I was of the same routines.  I didn't know how sleep-deprived I was.  I didn't know how much I missed talking to my husband without interruptions or without working on something at the same time or without multi-tasking in my head during the conversations.

A whole weekend of cuddling, hot-tubbing, a shower with two heads, some board games, room service, a snowy lake, many episodes of Lost, dancing, massages, a couple movies, and uninterrupted sleep with my best friend was in order and so refreshing.

The best feeling is the one where you finally get time with your spouse again, and it turns out you really like each other!  :)  Bernie and I are very good at working together to keep the house tidy, at having the majority of the laundry put away, at keeping the fridge stocked, at staying on top of errands and appointments, at doing the odd project, at raising the kids.  But just being together?  Hanging out, laying low, chatting or not...  It turns out that takes planning.  But it was worth it.  Our relationship will be the evidence that that was a meaningful and needed weekend.  And how powerful is that?

By all accounts the boys did well.  I was not sure how Lachlan would do with that many bottles in a row, but he was a trooper and even slept decently.  We are blessed to have parents who will do these sorts of things for us.  And the kids love it too.

Anyway, thank you Jesus, for reminding me how much I love Bernie and how great we are together.