Why God is Not Good

"Everyone has at least one, most a half dozen or more: Life-reasons, my reasons, to believe that God is not good.  To believe that God is not who He says He is."

Mine:
- my body * My constant years-long battle to accept my shape and that it is beautiful.  To embrace its quirks and curves as lovingly made my its Creator, stop wishing them away in the mirror, stop checking if that last run shrunk anything.
- autism * Falling in love with several kids who have autism and struggling to reconcile such a debilitating disorder with a loving Creator.  Watching families struggle and kids pull away inside themselves.
- Timo * Losing a friend too soon.  Losing him in such a traumatic way.  Watching it eat at Karen and our group.
- miscarriage & stillbirth * Grieving with friends.  Seeing how baby loss hurts for a lifetime and being so helpless.
- parenting * Experiencing the biggest joy and the one thing I always knew I wanted to do.  And then realizing how difficult it is.  Loving my son, and simultaneously hating so much of what he does.  Feeling ashamed that I am ashamed of his behaviours.  Trying everything in my power and creativity only to see no change.

Each of these thing, I carry around with me always.  Some are fairly surface, but some have such such deeply entangled roots.  They affect how I see Jesus and how I see everything and everyone around me.  They stunt my ability to grow in faith.  Depending how close they are to the surface at any given moment, they dictate my responses to my husband, my children, my friends, my God.

This is why I need to adore.  If I become what I behold, then I need a paradigm shift.

Here goes.