Loaded with Benefits (Psalm 68:19)

To Him who Daily Loads us with Benefits,
Thank you.  Thank you for what You do for me.  And thank you even more for who You are to me.  I praise You for the days and the hours when I feel the glorious fullness of good things You have showered on me.  I praise You for the truth of Your promises when I am ignorantly blind to them.  You are not satisfied with ordinary blessings or mediocre love as You are the God of pouring, filling, overflowing abundance.  So, Lord, may my response be anything but ordinary and mediocre.  I want to thirst, long and ache after You.  I want to stand, rise, and soar in Your greatness.  I want to live in awareness and praise all the day long.  Lord, become greater in me.
Love, Me who is Daily Loaded with Your Benefits

Wonders (Psalm 77:14)

You are the God who does wonders.  Psalm 77:14

Resisting the urge to tack anything on to this truth is harder than I thought.  You are the God who does wonders, now could you please do a wonder in him, the one who plagues quietly and interrupts loudly.  Or in her, the one who opens for a moment only to shut down and shut up and shut out.  Or in us, the ones wondering and waiting without the weight of wonder.  Or in them, who love to be difficult and are difficult to love.

Lord, I want to practice adoring You for the truth of who You are.  You are the God who does wonders.  One day my heart will be able to sing the words to You in praise that is about You and not me.  I want to tune my eyes and ears and heart and thanks to see the wonders You are doing, instead of pleading that You do the ones I think I want.  Lord, may I become less so that You may become greater.

Beautify (Psalm 149:4)

You know who He doesn't beautify?  He doesn't beautify those who bite their tongues or silently seethe.  He doesn't beautify those who pay lip service to a trajectory their heart is not on.  He doesn't beautify those who are on guard and on edge.  He doesn't beautify those who are biding humble time so that their righteous anger is warranted.  He doesn't beautify the smug, self-centred, pious, hypocritical, superior, or sanctimonious.

You are the God who beautifies me in those precious moments when I am at the centre of the explosive torrent of Your love.  In its overwhelming I-cannot-breathe-it's-just-so-much way of making me see my place as the most upside-down Greater-Humble, beauty finds me, reminds me, and defines me.

Safe (Psalm 4:8)

My gregarious boy can hardly speak of anything else as he anticipates a weekend with cousins and, especially, a day at the waterslides.  He counts sleeps and I count calories, all the while knowing I can't shrink those love handles in one week.  His mind returns endlessly to the question of swim googles and will we get them on time for the trip, while mine is drawn back over and over to the sight of my belly as it bulges over my waistline.  He whispers excited questions about what we will do on the drive as I whisper embarrassing lies about my worthiness to don my bathing suit in confidence.  His joyful anticipation can be a little much, but my ongoing obsession tops childish preoccupation.

The thing is, when it comes down to it, I will put on the bathing suit, steel myself, and pretend I'm fine with what I see.  I will enjoy the slides, the kids, the fun, and avoid thinking about what others see when they look at me.  I might feed myself some lines about being beautiful, God-created, perfect-in-every-way, loved-the-way-I-am.

But I won't believe them.

Oh how I wish I could believe them.

I wish I was safe from my own judging eyes.

See, it's not the others, it's me I am not safe from.  Rationally, I know that in many ways I have worked hard to get where I am.  I know that my body's strength and endurance are greater than they have ever been.  I know that my body has housed and fed three children in a short span of time and bears the associated beauty marks and battle wounds.  And yet, I see the mistakes, the weaknesses, the failures.  I see the jiggle, recall the extra dessert, the skipped workout.

Father, thank You for being my safety.  I see more and more that you are my only true safety.  My friends are not perfectly reliable, my husband not faultlessly all-knowing, myself not purely gentle and kind.  Today I choose to lean in to You.  You see all and You define truth.  You see all and love without condition.  You see all and hold me in Your safety.  You see all and declare Your love for me as greater than.

Greater Joy (Psalm 4:7)

I have it so good.  My husband is amazing and caring and we enjoy each other so much.  My kids are healthy and brilliant and hilarious and handsome and fun.  Our house feels just right for us and is allowing us to do so much for us and for others.  The friends I have right now know the real me and love me as I am.  I have time and energy to recognize my passions and opportunities to live them out.  My circumstances have their challenges here and there but, for the most part, I am living an easy and easy-to-say-blessed life.

And yet God declares that He fills my heart with greater joy than the most wonderful of circumstances.  My heart's joy is fickle.  I want it to be His Greater Joy, but I fear it isn't.  At all.  I know and rely on His love in the easy.  Because it is easy.  Or at least I did yesterday.  It is so easy to forget.

Lord, give me roots in Your Greater Joy for the long haul.  To know and rely on Your love in the hard.  Because it will be hard.  All around me is hard.  I barely finish typing the word 'hard' and another email arrives bearing someone else's bad news.  That's five in the last two weeks.  Four little souls gone way before their time and one more hanging in the balance.  Five enormous spheres of influence pierced with the hardest of hards.

It could be me.

I want to believe that I would still believe.

But all I can do for now is behold the beauty of the Lord.  Day in and day out.  Breath in and breath out.  I will seek Him, that I may dwell in His house and behold His beauty.  Adoring him each moment, I am becoming what I behold.

Exalt Devo 1

The days I choose to dwell on His love for me are never fruitless.  I cradle my Bible in my hands like a morning cup of coffee, inhaling the aroma of His word.

A few minutes later my reflection looks back at me, toothbrush dangling between its lips and hair untamed, and I claim the tenderness of His love in His words that I have trouble believing:
You are altogether beautiful, my darling, there is no flaw in you.  You have stolen my heart, my treasure, my bride.  You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes.

The warmth of His adoring love follows me as my day goes on until the next momentary breath of quiet and with a mountain of tasks ahead of me my body slogs through the mundane letting my mind engage with more of His words: He rescued me because He delighted in me.  The Lord takes pleasure in His people.  He will take great delight in you.  He will rejoice over you with singing.  As I let the words circle around and around they spiral their way deeper into my heart.  He takes great delight in me?  He looks at me and breaks into song?  Already my day is changing in light of this jubilant and uncontainable love I am not sure I will ever understand.

A few hours later, in a place of regret and shame for the careless words I have spoken, never mind godless attitudes I have entertained, my thoughts turn to the One who knows the most intimate details of my outside and my inside.  The One who knit me together, formed me in darkness, and knows every hidden crevice of my soul, has precious thoughts about me.  My Creator has more precious thoughts about me than I could count.  Again I am floored by His intimate and forgiving love, in awe that it is directed at me.

The pace of the day picks up, needs around me and demands upon me.  This time hours pass before my heart is stirred again into looking up.  The thoughts of His love that have been percolating all day seem to be culminating as they rest upon the stunning realization that there is no greater love than that of my God for me.  That the way and the amount in which He loves me - even enough to give up His Son on my behalf - cannot be matched.  That no amount of time, space. joy, pain, doubt. shame, sickness, need, excess, circumstances, or messiness will ever be able to separate me from that unearned but oh-so-deserved-because-He-said-so love of God.

Let's use this time to deliberately engage with God's love for each of us.  Let's let it sink in to touch a deeper place inside of us.  I encourage you to consciously choose a posture for this time of prayer.  Do you want to stand in proclamation, raise your hands in praise, kneel in reverence, lay down humility, look up in intimate confidence, or leap for joy?  Choose something that reflects your understanding of God's love this evening and meditate on a verse, song, or truth that is resonating with you.  Let's pray.

....


God, we bask in Your love tonight.  You love us.  You know us and delight in us.  We can't make You love us more or make You love us less.  We can't understand why you love us or how much You love us.  We are just so thankful that You do.  Amen.

He Fills

The day I started loving Him on the inside, everything started spiralling out of control.  He started showing me His heart for those around me and I had to put down my pack of self-righteousness so I could partner with Him in shouldering His burden for the world.  Sometimes it breaks my heart and I just want to find a way to end all the suffering around me.  But most times it fills my home with extra mouths to feed and souls to love.  It fills my time with cards and emails and phone calls of encouragement.  It fills my mind with dreams and questions of what is to come.  And it fills my heart with hope, empathy, purpose, and joy.  

Lord, I want to see greater things than these.  

Putting My What-Ifs in Hiding (Psalm 32:7)

If I let myself engage the fears, they sound like this:
What if our kids can't handle having other kids around all the time?
What if our kids can't handle sharing us?
What if our village doesn't support us?
What if our village doesn't know how to support us?
What if Bernie resents me for this?
What if our kids can't handle foster kids leaving?
What if I can't handle foster kids leaving?
What if the kids are impossible to manage?
What if we have to sacrifice good things?
What if it's too expensive?
What if it's too complicated?
What it it's too tiring?
What if it's too difficult?
What if I can't do it?
What if I am wrong?

But if I let myself engage the hopes, they sound like this:
What if the seed for this was planted with Jackie and Sheena?
What if He grew this in me through Alex, Lindsay, Marshall, and Emily?
What if He gave me words like 'unloved' and 'unlovable'?
What if He broke my heart for Jordan and Victoria?
What if He stirred uneasiness with each snippet of story from acquaintances, news media, and blogs?
What if He gifted me with this compassion?
What if He is growing me in humility and confidence?
What if He is drawing me to Him for something greater?
What if I don't take the easy way out?
What if He entrusted me with an idea that would change my world?
What if He entrusted me with an idea that would change HIs world?
What if I believe that this is of Him?
What if I don't?

God, You are my hiding place.  Today I collect both my hopeless fears and my fearful hopes, seal them up tight and hide them in You.  I trust You to keep them safe and turn them into songs of fearless hope to deliver me when the time is right.

Juxtaposition

You pull me in and the words in my ear make me fall for You all over again.  Your voice booms as it whispers and I hear You utter entwined messages as only the Divine can.

Deep and inexplicably selfless love rejoices over me in glorious melodies that flow from Your lips as you convince me of my worth in Your eyes.  This is the message I have known since childhood, but its words now take root in my heart and take shape in my life in ways altogether new and mesmerizing.  

Alongside the majestic singing are the murmurs that speak to my freshest wounds.  As You reveal Your love and Your self to me, my failings of word and thought and deed become painful for me to look at.  The closer I get to You, the more I see just how broken I am, how sinful and unworthy.  So You softly breathe the assurance that You forgive.  You see, You know, and You cover with Your Son.  

You belt out Your greater-than-I-can-grasp love for me

while you whisper Your greater-than-I-can-imagine grace for me

Here I walk in this juxtaposition, both worthy and unworthy

and I will repeat it to myself until I know and rely 

with every fiber of my being

and every step of my day

greater

greater

greater

Full (John 1:14)

Skimming the pages of my Bible that live in my memory, words like Full, Abundant, Overflowing, Surpassing, and Greater catch my eye as they fly past.  They always have.

A lifetime ago, they compelled a spontaneous and instant response, my hands rocketing outwards to grab on to them and with me dragging along behind.  I'd see my grip tighten and my knuckles whiten as I clung to their promise that this emptiness could be filled.  The twin monsters of loneliness and unworthiness danced around mockingly, trying to swallow my heart whole with their lies.  But hope clawed its way out of their jaws never letting go of its life-grip on those soaring, majestic assurances that one day.

Today my response is less urgent.  Its subtleness startles me as I reread those same words and recognize that the longing has changed.  I am not empty; I don't 'need' to be filled.  My life is full of good things, precious people, valued gifts.  My soul is filled with passions, dreams, and hopes.  My days are filled with the glorious mundane that is sweeping up Cheerios into dustpans and children into my arms.  My heart is full and overflowing.

He is full of grace and truth.  Though the realization arrived more subtly, I slowly reach out and take hold of the words as they meander past.  I don't have to grasp them so tightly this time.  They comfortably melt into my warm palm.  These are mine.  I've known them for years.  Their extravagance defines what I know of Him.  Their hope and abundance describes what I desire for me.  The tide is turning as I gently, repeatedly, cozily draw near to Him.  He is here and one day I will be *full* of Him.

Other

So many stories and experiences reinforce the 'otherness' of You.  You create all things from nothing and I see You outside of time and space.  You send floods and rainbows and messages and I see Your power and control.  You are in the clouds and the fire, crossing the all but God-forsaken desert.  At your command, the waters become stormy or calm or parted down the middle.  You are clothed in majesty, surrounded by an emerald sea, the only thought on the minds of all the creatures who bow before You.

Everything about You is so resplendent and awe-inspiring.  You are more powerful than my mind can fathom, greater than I will ever know.  Despite its 'otherness,' I do not doubt Your glorious greatness for a moment.

It's that glory, Your glory full of grace and truth, wrapped up in swaddling clothes, that mystifies me.  You became weak, temptable, powerless, needy, dirty, broken, human, messy, bruised, hungry, limited, mistreated, common, vulnerable flesh.  You made Your dwelling here among us.  With me.  In the world I know.  As a person I can know.

Fully God.  Fully with me.  Emmanuel.

That Your Greater would choose to become mine?  That is the truth I must claim hourly.  Your greater grace extends to every dark corner I offer up.  Your greater love for me both humbles and excites me.  You take great delight in me.  You are greater than all other gods.  And you will do greater things than these.  How can my response be anything but this: Thank You, Jesus.  You must become greater, I must become less.

Overshadow

By Your power, Most High, overshadow me.
Overshadow my anger with Your greater grace, my weakness with Your perfect strength, my quick reactions with Your long-suffering patience, my lies with Your praiseworthy truth, my laziness with Your overflowing life, my tears with your all-encompassing joy, my fear with Your otherworldly peace, my selfishness with Your humble sacrifice.
You must become greater, I must become less.
Overshadow me.

Don't look, Lord, this is too gross and messy and embarrassing.
I don't want You to know that's what I'm like.

But I extend grace.

But not for this, Jesus.  Not this time.  It's too much.  It's too awful.

But that is what grace is for.

But I'm not even asking for it.  I don't want to put words
to what I've done, to who I am.

But my grace surpasses.

But it's going to happen again, the same mistakes over and over.

I am so sorry.

But I give greater grace.

Greater?

Greater than you could earn.

Greater than you could repay.

Greater than you deserve.

Greater than your struggles.

Greater than your pain.

Greater than you could comprehend.

Surpassing, increasing, abounding, overflowing.

But I give greater grace.

My deep, dark corners where I keep the things that no one should see are not too deep and not too dark for you.  

Pondering 'greater'

The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
from 1 John 4:4
The Lord is greater than all other gods
from Exodus 18:11
for there is a greater power with us than with him
2 Chronicles 32:7
for God is greater than any mortal
from Job 33:12
I know that the Lord is great, that our Lord is greater than all gods.
Psalm 135:5
You will see greater things than that.
from John 1:50
He must become greater, I must become less.
John 3:30
My father...is greater than all
from John 10:29
they will do even greater things than these
from John 14:12
Greater love has one man than this; that he lay down his life for his friend's.
John 15:13
We know that God is greater than our hearts
from 1 John 3:20
But He gives greater grace
from James 4:6