Safe (Psalm 4:8)

My gregarious boy can hardly speak of anything else as he anticipates a weekend with cousins and, especially, a day at the waterslides.  He counts sleeps and I count calories, all the while knowing I can't shrink those love handles in one week.  His mind returns endlessly to the question of swim googles and will we get them on time for the trip, while mine is drawn back over and over to the sight of my belly as it bulges over my waistline.  He whispers excited questions about what we will do on the drive as I whisper embarrassing lies about my worthiness to don my bathing suit in confidence.  His joyful anticipation can be a little much, but my ongoing obsession tops childish preoccupation.

The thing is, when it comes down to it, I will put on the bathing suit, steel myself, and pretend I'm fine with what I see.  I will enjoy the slides, the kids, the fun, and avoid thinking about what others see when they look at me.  I might feed myself some lines about being beautiful, God-created, perfect-in-every-way, loved-the-way-I-am.

But I won't believe them.

Oh how I wish I could believe them.

I wish I was safe from my own judging eyes.

See, it's not the others, it's me I am not safe from.  Rationally, I know that in many ways I have worked hard to get where I am.  I know that my body's strength and endurance are greater than they have ever been.  I know that my body has housed and fed three children in a short span of time and bears the associated beauty marks and battle wounds.  And yet, I see the mistakes, the weaknesses, the failures.  I see the jiggle, recall the extra dessert, the skipped workout.

Father, thank You for being my safety.  I see more and more that you are my only true safety.  My friends are not perfectly reliable, my husband not faultlessly all-knowing, myself not purely gentle and kind.  Today I choose to lean in to You.  You see all and You define truth.  You see all and love without condition.  You see all and hold me in Your safety.  You see all and declare Your love for me as greater than.