This Pregnancy

Just as with every pregnancy, there is much anticipation.  Excitement coupled with apprehension colour my thoughts and prayers.  

I daydream about you sometimes, wondering what you look like, what you are like, what parts of your life I am missing, how you will fit into the fabric of our family.  I wonder how your brothers will adjust to you and whether they will love you like I do.  I wonder what your struggles will be and how we will deal with issues and baggage.  

I know I'm not ready for you yet, and perhaps I never will be fully ready.  I have no idea how long this pregnancy will be; it could very well be years.  

As I wait and hope, all I can do is prepare my heart.  In the same way that I prepared for the pain of labour and birth, I now read, pray, think, anticipate, and allow God to prepare my heart for the emotional pain that will accompany bringing another child into our family.  Allow Him to deepen my dependence on Him, to strengthen my relationship with my husband, to build trust and confidence in my children.  So that we have something very very good to cling to when you come and things fall apart for a while.  

Because they will fall apart.

Lord, I want to drink deeply of your goodness.  To cling tightly to your grace.  To jump higher with your joy.  To sing loudly of your glory.  To build what we have on a strong foundation, so as to weather the coming storm.