In Him

You're looking at them, but you're seeing me.  I can feel it.

He's having a melt-down in the middle of the store and you're staring.  I know what you're really seeing and it's not the child kicking, screaming, and demanding what he cannot have.  You're seeing me.  The mother who must give in to temper tantrums or they wouldn't be happening.  The mother who clearly does not have any control over her child's behaviour.  Who obviously doesn't set boundaries or expectations.

Or at least that's what you think you're seeing.  

And I admit, I'm seeing it too.  I look at them squabbling over a toy, shouting at each other in the back of the van, deliberately disobeying and I see exactly that mom.  The one who doesn't always follow through, who doles out irrelevant consequences, who isn't always consistent, who can't seem to teach empathy, kindness, or grace.  

I can't help but look at the faults of my children and see my parenting reflected in that black hole.  It's me.  It's something I did wrong.  Or didn't do at all.  Is it too late?  What if I've really messed this up?  

In my children's actions, there I am.  

Or am I?

In him I live and move and have my being.  Acts 17:28

In him.  Not in my children, not in my role as their mother.  Not as a wife, a sister, a daughter, a woman.  In HIM.  

I am their mother, but I cannot control another's choices.  I can guide, but I am not ultimately responsible for every action.  And.  I.  don't.  have.  to.  be.  My children don't need to define me.

My identity is in Christ.  I him I have my being.  In him I live and move and drum and write and run and sing.