Missing my Marriage

I need to be careful.  Time seems to be going faster and faster.  While I think I savour the time with the kids well enough, I worry that I am missing out on my own marriage.  I'm dangerously good at putting my head down and pushing through.  When things get tough, I take a deep breath, plod on, focus getting the job done, and look forward to when I don't need a diaper bag, when we're all sleeping through the night, when my kids don't take off in the mall, when Bernie and I have the time to play tennis and the ability to go for a walk at 10pm.

But some of those things are a long way in the future and it would be risky and sad to not be present in my marriage now.  I love Bernie so much.  We have some good laughs, great times, and deep connections.  But we also do a lot of working side by side just to get through.  There are quite a few tough times with a sensitive 4-year-old, goofy 2-year-old, and sleepless 8-month-old.  Not gonna lie, parenting three littles is a lot of work.  And my tendency lately is to put my head down and do my best at the parenting day after day with not a lot of regard for myself or my marriage.

Theoretically, my relationship with Bernie should come before my kids.  But I don't even know how that is supposed to look in practice.  At the same time, even if I can survive with less out of my marriage for a time, I don't want to.  I don't want to put it on hold until some point (probably one that is a fantasy) when things settle down and are easier.  So even if I could survive, I'd rather pause and be present with my husband more.  If I want us to thrive, I can't keep giving him the bottom of the barrel.  It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me.

I don't want to miss the next 5 years of my marriage.  I want them to be awesome.  And it's going to have to be intentional.

Today I will leave Bernie a note in the shower.
Tomorrow I will thank him for the work he does to provide for us.
This weekend I will rub his shoulders.