We are Five

I just can't shake the feeling that our family is not complete.  I do a head-count at the playground and glance over my shoulder for a fourth.  I am with all three of them in one room and want to call out to see what the other is up to.  The feeling that one is missing catches me off guard almost every day, like a deja vu or a dream that slips away just before I can recall what it was.  And then I remember that there are "only" three.  We are a family of five, not six.  We are five.  

I don't know if I can handle being pregnant again.  In fact, quite often I am sure that I cannot.  Many days I am overwhelmed enough that I'm not sure I want another child, despite the fact that I always pictured myself as a mother of four.  Bernie has very rational and reasonable arguments for not growing our family any further.  Sometimes I know he is right.  Sometimes I know he is wrong.  Sometimes I don't even know what I want.  Sometimes I don't know how I will ever know.

But I feel like someone is missing.  And I'm not a feelings kind of person.  So is it God?  Or does that just confuse it more?  If it comes down to it and I feel like someone is missing, yet I can't imagine another pregnancy, what could God have in store for us next?  Can we handle it?  Can we wait for it?  Will we all be on board?  

I wish I knew if we are five for now or five for good.