Golden

Back and forth, I've got this split personality going on inside of me.  They're not yelling at each other, but there is constant bickering narrative: They are still so young and full of energy.  Why can't they just walk in a straight line?  Let kids be kids.  Can we ever do anything without looking like a gong-show?  They will grow out of this soon enough.  I can't wait for a calm entrance with regular blood pressure.   Try to savour these moments.  Walk in a straight line, dammit!  And on and on it goes inside.  Waiting for that golden moment when they are walking beside me, faces washed, laces tied, chatting peacefully.  A moment is void of running, chasing, competing, tripping, falling, hollering, wailing, and whining on their part and void of calling, reprimanding, and sweating on mine.  Is it so much to ask?

That's not my only golden moment dream either.  A shower with no one shouting for me.  All five of us sleeping until 8am on the same day. Listening to a sermon.  A day without discipline issues.  Everyone dressing themselves, walking out to the van, and buckling themselves.  Children playing pleasantly and supper made.  Reading a novel cover to cover.

Lord, don't let these hopes be the ones that shape me.  Don't let them dictate my attitudes and interactions with my children.  My constant hope of knowing You, seeing You, loving You, serving You, becoming more into Your likeness - that's the golden moment that I want to be the undercurrent of my day.  May You have cause to love my loyal heart that would rather inhale your peace than fixate on their chaos and our collective mayhem.  I'm taking a deep breath (and another and another) and defiantly pinning my allegiance on Your truth above the truth I seem to be sinking in.