Dear Oldest Child

Dear Niko,

You are the oldest and I love that I get to experience so many firsts with you.  My firsts as you made me a mother and provided ample opportunity to learn and grow and conquer new skills in my new identity.  And your firsts and you take every opportunity to learn and grow and conquer new skills.

You are the oldest and you set the tone for the two that follow you.  How you speak, how you act, when you laugh, when you cry, what you wear, what you enjoy sets the standard for your younger brothers.  They are, of course, their own personalities.  But in many ways they follow in your footsteps, always trying to keep up with you.

You are the oldest and I put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.  There are times when it has been unfairly placed there and I am sorry.  You are human, you are four years old, and you are as much a sinner as I.  I am sorry for when I have expected perfect behaviour from you.  I am sorry for when you have been unjustly punished.  I am sorry for when I have worn my disappointment on my sleeve and it has hurt you.  I am sorry for belittling you by comparing you to your brother.

I am especially sorry if I have made you feel like less than, because that is just untrue.

You are more intelligent than I expect and it surprises me daily.  You have more strength than you think, as you help me get the stroller through the snow.  You have more courage than you know, as you venture into unknown adventures.  You have more empathy than ever as you interact with Lachlan, Kieren, and other little ones.  You have more independence by the day, tackling tasks proudly on your own.

You are more and more amazing to me every day, as you and I discover together the person God created you to be.  I am more and more thankful to God for blessing this family with the gift of you.

Love,
your humble and grateful mommy