There is the rowdy chaos of nine little boys as a backdrop to every bite and conversation.  This doesn't help my ability to slow my heart rate and be joyful.  But even still, in my heart of hearts, I know it is not as superficial as that.

I am sad that things have changed in so many directions and I find myself not fitting in.  An invisible stranger in my own family.  The couch feels like it is swallowing me as the conversation pushes me down farther and farther.

On one side there is she whom I cannot talk to because the pain and risk of pain is too great.  On another there is she whom I love but desperately don't want to put more in the middle than she already is.  Across the room there is another, who I really hardly know and when I want to start a conversation I am always talked over.  And there is one more, who sometimes seems to be everywhere, and I just can't be quite selfless enough to be interested in the advance of car technology and the population of Mars.

And there I am.  Alone and silent.  A far cry from what it used to be.  Have I changed or have they?  How do I not fit in to this family that shares my blood, my sense of humour,  and my memories?