On Needing You

I need you, Lord, I need you.
Every hour I need you.
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need you

These words are no less true than ever before, regardless of whether I feel that they are or not.  I'm not sure how I came to this place where I think I don't need you.  Or at least I don't think about needing you.  But it's not a place I belong.

Without you I fall apart
You're the one the that guides my heart

Sometimes falling apart looks messy and gross and loud and snotty and tear-stained.  This time falling apart looks oddly together and on top of things.  It looks skinny and happy and organized and outdoorsy and joyful.  What I feel is actually guilty that despite guiding my own heart, I don't appear to be falling apart.  Shouldn't the version of me that hasn't taken decent time to pray or read or focus on Jesus look vastly different than the me that has?  If I am dangerously good at looking Christian, what does that say about my faith?

Where you are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Where sunshine and bikes dominate, I am free.  Where children giggle and play, I am free.  Where diets and exercise reign, I am free.  Where dishes and laundry are done,  I am free.  Where my friends love me, I am free.

I never saw these idols coming.  I never saw them coming.

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest

I am deeply sorry, Jesus, for creating a whole life centered on the good things you've given me, instead of on you.  They are very good things, of course, but they are not you and don't deserve to be treated as if they are.  I am sorry that I was leaving you out.  And I'm even more sorry that I have pretended that I wasn't.

When I cannot stand I'll fall on you
Jesus, you're my hope and stay

Please set my feet back on your foundation.  Please remind me over and over that your gifts are good but are not you.  Draw me back into your arms; bring me to the place of dependence.  I want to love you and live in you in such a way that I am aware the instant I take a step without you.  I want to need you and feel that need for you at my very core and with every breath.