Trust (Psalm 2:12)

Words are halting; my fingers slow to type.  Stakes are so high and I am never sure.  Never sure that my tired sighs won't rob him of self-worth, that an unchecked eye-roll won't make him question the depth of my love, or that another conversation about his behaviour won't make him second-guess his intrinsic value.  Could it be that a wayward word might derail his capacity for intimacy, a mistaken comparison might give way to self-doubt, or an overheard exasperation might set the course for bitterness?  What if my own blindness means he fails to lift his eyes to the One who could bring beauty from these ashes?

With the increasing height of the stakes, so the pressure inside builds exponentially.  Reflecting and reassessing, I try and try again - until I cry and cry again.  And then I see Your reflection in the pool of my own weakness and You speak words that I want so hard to believe.  Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him.  I try to allow my heart to feel those words, try to persuade it to believe.  For to believe that You respond to my trust with blessing frees me.  It frees me from worry and obsession and the pressure of having to get it all right.  It frees me from the burden of forcing him into all the goodness crave for him.  It frees me to love, trusting that You are more than enough for him.  

Father in heaven, I want to trust You to parent both me and my child.  You respond to my trust with blessing.  Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!